What I'm about to tell you should not be revealed to anyone.
I mean it.
I shouldn't be telling you this.
It's not highly classified government information. I'm not whistle-blowing on a large organisation. It's not a deep dark childhood secret that only a trained professional should ever have to deal with.
It's just pretty distasteful really.
In just a couple of days, Guy Smiley will celebrate his 2nd birthday. And I've been reminiscing on the events that led up to the birthing of my 10lb monster (sweet, lovely, loving monster that he is). Events I wish to share. Events that are perhaps, best kept between me and those poor hapless souls who were present in the room at his birth.
You see, I made the mistake of eating home made pizza with large quantities of chilli sausage & cheese the night before labour.
I don't know what drove me to it, especially when I knew the bun in my oven was well overdue. And especially after having endured a few weeks of excruciating 3rd trimester constipation. So as my own personal brand of Murphy's Law would have it, I woke the next morning at about 6am with bowl cramps that surpassed the labour pain I also found myself experiencing. Yup. There was no way I'd be having a water birth now.
I know. Whether or not you know me in person, this is already more than you've ever wanted to know about me. But wait, there's more...
So, a couple of weeks later when I had the courage to ask (and because I have a strange poo curiosity at times), I asked my midwife how common it was to poop oneself during childbirth.
"Every time." She told me. Every time?
"Yes. But usually the mummies have no idea, and even the dads don't notice - I'm very good at cleaning up discreetly."
I should've left it at that. Much as you should've left this post after my opening sentence. But like a rubber-necking passing a road accident, I had to know. "So... Did...?"
Oh. I was so hoping she was going to lie to me.
But being as frank as my wonderful midwife was, she felt compelled to elaborate. "But don't worry, I just kept layering the paper towels over top. Again and again and again...."
Oh. Dear. Gods. No.
Which is probably the same thing you're thinking, as you wonder why I'm sharing this.
So I'll leave you now, with that to mull over. And I'll also leave you with this photo I took the other day. 10 points if you can tell me WHAT ON EARTH is on that piece of toast?
Seriously. I'll give you 10 points if you guess correctly. Because I'm generous like that. I'll also throw in a free piece of toast.
dɐs ǝǝɹʇ s,ʇI :ɹǝʍsuɐ ǝɥʇ