Thursday, 23 August 2012

The Misadventures of Mummyzilla & the Brain-Sucking Zombies

WARNING: This is not a post filled with sun and laughter and jumping through muddy puddles while singing the Happy Happy Joy Joy song. I'm going to be frank. And not in a 'let's talk about perineal tears' kind of way. (Perineal Tears... Kinda sounds like a rock band.)

Yesterday evening I absolutely lost my rag. My brain combusted. Not in a scary Jake the Muss throw my kids around the room manner, but for a little while there I was pretty close to throwing MYSELF across the room in the grasping hope that knocking myself would give me a moment of peace and quiet.

The kids had been all over me like a fungal rash.  After a solid week of being sick, lethargic, clingy and increasingly bored, they'd regained their energy and, with me pre-occupied much of the day with trying to spring-clean the bedrooms, launched into stupid attention seeking behavior (the Lily Bug in particular - hitting and kicking at me every time she didn't have my full attention. Pushing me pushing me pushing me... Literally coming up behind me and giving me a shove, just for the satisfaction of seeing me lurch forward).

By 4pm I had stopped seeing two human children and had started seeing two brain-sucking zombie demons. Seriously. They were no longer my children. They had morphed. The Teen arrived home, and seeing that I was at some kind of emotional breaking point, she ignored my subliminal pleas for help (and my not-so-subliminal cries to the ceiling of "ohmygodsIjustneedabreak!"), went straight to the computer and stuck her earphones in so she could happily zone us all out.

By 6pm I had reached a "I know where people get that urge to smack their kids from" stage ( Do I need a disclaimer here to say I adore my children and despite a long moment of feeling like I was losing it, I would never Really. Lose. It?) So I asked The Teen to keep an eye on the darling delinquents so I could jump in the shower for ten minutes of peace and quiet. Five minutes later, Guy Not-So-Smiley was in the bathroom going "muuuum... muuuum" (which to me sounded like "braaaains... braaains") and two minutes after I was trying to get dressed with BOTH Smiley and the Lily Bug now right there in the bathroom with me.
I asked them to go back out to the lounge.
No one listened...
I asked a little louder. And louder.
I found myself screaming "Look just get out of the bloody bathroom and let me get dressed by myself for crying out loud!" so every neighbour in West Auckland could hear me scream irrationally at my pre-schoolers.

I really needed someone to take the kids away from me for half an hour - ten minutes even - and give me a freakin break. I had so much fed-up-ness choking me that I thought I was going to start popping blood vessels. Then I got so incredibly fed up at Char for never helping EVER and snapped at her "do you ever think about maybe saying 'hey mum, how bout I read the kids a story so you can have ten minutes to yourself?' Do you ever think about maybe offering some kind of help when you can see I'm at my fucking wits end?"

That went straight to a dead end street. She snapped at me for taking my shit out on her... Obviously completely missing the universal point that I was simply at my wits end...

Oh yes. That was the icing on the cake. I hear her teen angst problems every single day. She never asks how I am. She never raises a finger to so much as help wash the dishes. Never ever pays her sibs a shred of attention except to tell them get out of her face. I got on the phone to the Lad, balling my eyes out like I'd gone bat shit crazy...

Yesterday I felt like I completely lost touch with how to be a mum. Today I'm sharing this tale because I figure I'm not the only one who has these days. Right?


  1. No disclaimer needed - trust me, we have all been there as well! I have rung the hubby up on more than one occasion and MADE him come home!

  2. Oh YUK!! Hated being in that place...actually you don't even have to have children to get to there...LIFE will do it to me quite nicely all by itself...RUDE!! Interesting slight irony after the last post ; ) Something I learnt quite quickly but couldn't admit out loud for a long time is that I might be a mother & yes, their mother but I am not & NEVER will be a nurse. Just thinking about being stuck with sick, cranky kids makes be break out in a cold (crawly) sweat. As to teens..I'd never have them again ok joking...not the funnest creatures, as a general breed. Every time I shove the furniture around in the other room I see that huge rusty coloured stain on the carpet from under David's bed where he used to stuff all his lunch fruit & leave it to rot : 0 Surprising there's not more actually..& dishes, well they only came out after threats of bodily harm & at that point I just wanted to throw them all in the bin.... Better week soon, better week SOON!!! The days are getting longer...warmth will return...surely that will help us all. x0x0x0x

    1. Hahaha Yup I totally saw the irony as I wrote this. *sigh*

      I find I'm far more sympathetic and nurse-maidy with kids the younger they are, but by the time they reach that age where they have the vocabulary to tell me whether or not they think they're actually dying, I have more of a detached style of care (ie, confine them to the bedroom so it doesn't spread, open their door periodically to throw cold flannels, drinks or medication to them, quickly shut door and retreat again).

      Char LOVED being unwell when she was little, as I would molly-coddle her. She'd even fake stomach aches to stay home and be pampered. Though, one time she was sick for a solid week and I put it down to a vomit bug that was doing the rounds at the time - she actually had a large infected cyst on her appendix. Ended up in hospital for a week. Boy. Do I panic now when the kids tell me they have a stomach pain!!! "where? Where? Is it in your right side? No? Oh you'll be right then."
      I still worry when Char gets a stomach pain and she doesn't even have an appendix anymore! :P

      Yes definitely cannot WAIT until summer rolls on in. Seriously need a break from the grey and the mud. I'm over mud. I want water fights and hot days at the beach. Chasing the kids around the lawn without sliding in mud. Please hurry up summer!

  3. This is how I'm feeling today. I just wanted to get the backyard tidy, the lawns mowed, gardens weeded and new plants planted. All day I've had kids standing around me wanting things and pissing me off. I shouldn't be moaning about it but I am. Just one of those days lol x

    1. Moan away! Vent vent pleeease! Terrible as this sounds, it makes me feel better to know other people have these days too :D

      Kids really do have a knack for picking up when we're feeling stressed or when our minds are on a picture that's just a little bigger than them for a change (such as spring cleaning - arrgh!). I think they react to this by clinging to us all the more - for them wanting reassurance and attention, for us just adding to the stress we're already feeling a tad overwhelmed by. The joys of parenthood! :?